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"Relaxing" spa weekend

Dear sir,

I am writing to thank you for the "relaxing" spa weekend you offered us this past weekend.

I must say, I was taken aback with the carpeted walls as we entered, but knowing you are in medieval village, I thought hmmm perhaps it's a throwback to the days of hanging tapestry. So despite the Austin Powers International Man of Mystery vibe, I gave you the benefit of the doubt on taste and shrugged it off.

As you can imagine, after a hard few weeks at work, I was very eager to book my first massage.

Was I surprised that the massage room was by the registration desk? Well, actually yes. Yes, I was. Especially because I now know all the rooms of the 7 guests who arrived during my 60 minute rubdown. It felt like they were right there with me. Nothing says relaxing spa massage like rolling wheels, paperwork and the same greeting repeated over and over again. Can't believe Marie's card key didn't work and she had to come down twice for you to magnetize it. That Marie!

But yet, despite Marie's and her door's antics, I was determined to make the best of things.

But I must be honest. I just didn't understand what was up with the moving massage table and its motorized gadget that purred with the gentleness of a Mission Impossible car chase scene. Was it meant to be part of the experience? Did you get the bed from a retirement home that went out of business? I was really confused about this one. You might have noticed. because I was getting tenser as the massage went on, which is, as you know is the opposite of what should be happening.

I know you were stunned when we cancelled sessions for the next day. And more alarmed when we refused to pay for it. Sorry about my boyfriend. He definitely wasn't using his inside voice when he spoke to you. Tell your manager again, thanks, we really appreciate we weren't charged for massages we didn't take.

Coming back from dinner some distance away from your lovely establishment, imagine our surprise to learn that you are, in fact, located across the street from the village dance club that doesn't close until 2am. Is it also part of the weekend package? A massage for the eardrums perhaps?

What a delight!

Forgive us for not coming back again. This one time was so very special. We just don't think you can outdo yourself. Really.