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Je ne sais pas où je suis

Je ne sais pas où je suis, she said to us. She was referring to getting up at night and trying to find her way in the dark. She continued, If I go straight I am fine, but when I turn, I have no idea.

Je ne sais pas où je suis.

I do not know where I am.

Yes, I thought, sometimes I don't either.

Je ne suis pas perdu. I am not lost. I am not misplaced.

I am, I think, other placed...otherwise located. Part of me is always living between spaces. Between cultures. Between countries. Between cities. Between homes. Between realities. Between plots conjured up by my giant imagination and what is (so far) humanly feasible for one person. Truth be told, sometimes between hope and despair. Between competing goals. Between following my heart or my head. In the background, always trying to find a bridge, a way, a plan, a possibility, a path.

Je ne sais pas où je suis.

How many of us don't know where we are? How many of us have our hearts in one place and our careers in another. What we tell people and what we are actually thinking and feeling? What we say to people's faces and what we say about them to others? What we exude to the public and how we really and truly feel about ourselves?

Je ne sais pas où je suis.

What about in the scheme of life? In the grand plan of things.

Sometimes I wake up and wonder what the hell am I doing here?

Here I am, in a foreign land with a new language and new family and new redirected career.

Of course, I know it is the outcome of many little decisions, choices, turns, curves, routeing. Yet sometimes I look at my life and it feels like all the seasons of the Amazing Race playing on fast-forward.

Don't get me wrong.

I love the life I created. But I am astounded by it. It is like I was given a compass and threw it out the window and went where the wind took me.

As a child, I felt like paper doll caught in gust of wind when all we can all really do is live the consequences of the decisions of others, sometimes thriving in them, sometimes surviving them.

But as an adult, each turn and curve felt like I was gliding upon a self built paper airplane. I would sit on top, do a triple loop and land, sometimes gently, sometimes a fiery crash landing, sometimes in a new unexpected place that was better than my initial destination in mind.

Je ne sais pas où je suis.

I do not know where I am.

But at least and more importantly, I do know who I am. And who I wish to become.

And I do love those who are with me, in my in between other-placed state, who I imagine in many ways are other placed too.

#lost #perdu #discovery